My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
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Not😆🤣
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?