I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.