I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
no one likes gloating
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My nickname in high school was “who?”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.