This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Got him!
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
bugs when you lift up a rock
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Coffee for people with no kids
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.