If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
You Might Also Like
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
British websites use biscuits.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.