Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Yes, but it was never about money
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.