I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.