ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
OKAY DAD
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!