Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
When you can’t find your friend Neil
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Smallpox sounds so adorable
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE