Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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Need this in my life lol
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.