HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.