I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey