waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
This can never not be funny 😭😭
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“TGIM!” – My liver
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?