My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Sticker placement is key.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.