Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.