Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Name this drama.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
This was the best day of my life
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.