Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow