I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
Body by Oreos
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!