if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Cha-ching is my safe word
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter