The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
You Might Also Like
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?