People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
wut hotdog?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.