#NoRestForTheWicked
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.