My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*checks Timeline*…