I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!