ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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drew a comic about my origin story
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.