For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”