[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
#SuperBowl
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.