Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
You Might Also Like
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Every BBC series about the universe.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Extremely relatable.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.