Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
found this cool rock hiking today
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Buying a well is money well spent.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Happy Star Wars day!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*