It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
🤣😈🤣
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one