You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it