Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
🙄😏😂🤣
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99