I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Life cycle of cat
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling