One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
never deleting this app.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Whoa 😂
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.