At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.