The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
New favorite tiktok
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
nyc:
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.