The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”