[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
my dad has had enough
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?