A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no