6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
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seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
haha same
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home