seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
you have three unread messages
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I’m tired tomorrow.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.