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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.