God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name