The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
🚲+physics = winner