@reallifemommy3

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

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@batkaren

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

@alextranquada

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@slimmy_shady

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.