just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You Might Also Like
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.