If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.


My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.


Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power


The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.


Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’


Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.