Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*