*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Ferrari squats
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?