*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
A short story of betrayal:
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”