There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.