Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE